


sparks

by radovanryn



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Comfort Sex, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Master Isa AU, Past Violence, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-23 22:53:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20016103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radovanryn/pseuds/radovanryn
Summary: Axel didn’t just fade away in the Keyblade Graveyard; he extinguished. Lea struggles to salvage a Somebody from the remnants of his former life, but his and Isa’s guilt is complicating matters. [Master Isa AU]





	1. burnout

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set in the [Master Isa AU](https://twitter.com/i/moments/1149722968789929984) created by [saixbosom](https://twitter.com/saixbosom). As always, I want to thank [saixbosom](https://twitter.com/saixbosom) for sharing this wonderful alternate reality and letting us play with it. I also want to thank all of the incredible authors and artists who have contributed their own works. It’s all been so inspiring and fun to be a part of! (Master Isa Extended Universe, am I right?!?)
> 
> Several scenes feature dialogue borrowed and/or refashioned from KH2, 358/2, and KH3. Elements are also adapted from several comics and images created for the Master Isa AU by [saixbosom](https://twitter.com/saixbosom) and [uultima_exe](https://twitter.com/uultima_exe).
> 
> Please Note: Chapter two contains a brief mention of (what can be interpreted as) self-harming behaviors and suicidal ideation. While this is not how the characters interpret those actions, I wanted to be sure to warn readers in advance.

**i.**

Twilight Town’s perpetual sunset warmed Axel’s skin, a welcome sensation after the numbing cold of the dark corridors. Axel had abandoned Xehanort’s other vessels to their planning—he had only a handful hours of (non)existence left, and he’d be damned if they were wasted listening to Larxene and Vanitas’s constant bitching.

 _Well,_ he thought, _more damned._ The first time Axel faded away he had not seen it coming. Literally, as he’d been hit from behind. Knowing that the end was nigh put Axel in a strange mood. He could think of no better place to sort out his… _feelings_.

Yet as Axel turned the corner, he found a familiar face. “What are _you_ doing here?” Axel growled, his arms crossing into a defensive pose. However, he wasn’t entirely surprised. Isa always did have the _worst_ timing.

“I’m not here to fight,” Isa replied from his seat near the balcony’s edge. “I thought you might show up here.”

 _Hmph._ “So?”

A tired smile settled across Isa’s handsome features. “I wanted to see you.” Axel read the situation a moment longer, then relaxed. Isa was a traitor, not a liar. Axel settled into his usual spot, glad to put Isa on his left. His right side still ached on occasion from the fatal wound the keyblade master had given him.

Several awkward moments of silence passed. Axel glanced at Isa, only to find his former friend outright staring at him. “What?” Axel snapped. Quiet keyblade wielders made him twitchy.

“The marks under your eyes,” Isa said. “They’re gone.”

Axel scoffed at the reminder of the now-faded marks. “ _Heh._ Don’t need ‘em anymore.” The purple charms had just appeared the first time he’d awoken as a Nobody. At first, they’d been an invaluable asset. The gaping loss of his heart, of _Isa_ , left a psychic wound that had festered over time. With his charms, at least Axel was spared the indignity of being a Nobody who cried.

Isa looked at him thoughtfully. Slowly, as if the memory pained him, his companion spoke. “Always told you they’d stop you from crying. The upside down tears.”

Axel remembered. He’d never admit it, but in addition to their magical properties Axel’s charms had become a small comfort where otherwise none existed. Isa had marked him, and even before Axel got to return the favor the purple tattoos reminded him that he could be strong on his own. That he could become even _stronger_.

His Other had been weak, but after Axel lost his heart a second time the marks did not return. Axel didn’t need Isa to be strong anymore. “I guess I’ve forgotten how to cry,” Axel replied. He did not miss the sudden wounded look in Isa’s eyes. If he had a heart (of his own), Axel thought he’d feel satisfied to have upset the keyblade master. A hollow victory.

“Anyways,” Axel drawled, pulling one knee up in his usual pose. “Shouldn’t you say goodbye to your _real_ home? Since when did you start coming to Twilight Town?”

Isa smirked. “My secret. Besides, I don’t intend to say _good-bye_ to anything.”

“I’d be careful if I were you,” Axel warned. “Well _I_ wouldn’t, but I digress.” At Isa’s confused frown, Axel groaned. “Come on, it’s his big master plan! Tomorrow, the Seekers of Darkness and Light will meet at the Keyblade Graveyard. The Χ-blade will be forged, and all the worlds will be remade.”

Righteous indignation was a good look for Isa. “Xehanort’s success means your end, Lea. Not just yours, but all living souls will be lost along with existence. How can you live forever if no one is left to remember you?” Isa leaned forward, gripping the stone lip of the outcrop. “You cannot seriously tell me that you want this.”

“Can’t say it’s what _I_ want,” Axel replied, pointing a finger towards a golden eye. “Makes sense if you think about it though. Nothing’s as it should be.” Axel glanced toward the eternally setting sun. “The last time I saw Roxas, I made him a promise. I told him that we’d meet again, in the next life.” Axel looked back to Isa. “Now’s our chance, Isa. We can start over.”

Isa’s face twisted, ire replaced with disbelieving anger. “How could you let them reduce you to this?” he demanded, raising his arm to gesture at the Nobody. Axel watched warily, preparing to move if the other man summoned his massive keyblade. “The Lea I knew wouldn’t run from his problems. He wouldn’t try to _unmake existence_. He’d fight for what he knew was right.”

Axel sneered as he rose from his seated position. He should have known that Isa would not understand. He was a hero of light, and Axel’s enemy to boot. “Yeah? Well, he’s _dead_ , so what does it matter? Besides,” he added, “this _is_ right. I have to make it all _stop_.”

Isa stood as well. “No you won’t, because you will never succeed. The darkness _will_ be defeated.” Isa heaved a sigh. “I will not hold back any longer, Lea. When we meet tomorrow, I will stop you. Or I will die trying.”

With a fanged grin, Axel responded, “I expect nothing less, _Master Isa_.” Axel swooped in, taking a fistful of blue hair as he dragged Isa toward his lips. It had been over a decade since their last kiss, but none of them had been quite like this; Axel attacked the shocked keyblade wielder with lips, tongue, and _teeth_. Axel’s eyes closed as he tried to memorize every little detail from Isa’s shocked inhale to the broad hands that pressed against his empty chest. Axel groaned into Isa’s mouth.

Their kiss tasted like ashes.

He pulled off with a loud _smack_ , but before Axel could steal away into a dark corridor Isa curled his fingers into Axel’s coat. Their eyes met, turquoise and gold. “This isn’t the end,” Isa told him, serious as Axel had ever heard him. “I’m going to bring you back, Lea.” This time, it was _Isa_ pulling him in, gazes still locked onto one another. Axel let Isa take control, the other man’s tongue sliding into his open mouth to sensuously tangle with his. Both took harsh breaths through their noses as they tasted each other. Axel wrapped skinny arms around Isa, drawing him against Axel’s slighter frame. The heat rose, and Axel briefly wondered if he might actually catch fire. Then Isa moaned, and Axel lost himself to their passionate embrace.

Isa broke the kiss with a gasp, their faces still close enough that each shaky exhale brushed gently against shiny, swollen lips. Axel couldn’t tear his eyes off Isa if he tried, cataloguing his flushed cheeks and earnest eyes. Axel didn’t need a heart to see that Isa was beautiful.

“I promise, Lea. I will save you.” _This time_ went unspoken, and like a moth drawn to flame Axel’s lips were on Isa once more. Axel knew he couldn’t be saved any more than _Lea_ , but if Isa was soothed by his own lies so be it. As the pair separated one last time, Axel felt Isa’s finger tap his temple.

“ _Got it memorized?_ ”

**ii.**

Isa kept his promise. Axel felt the sheer force behind each strike of Isa’s blue-and-red keyblade down to his _bones_. He’d long suspected that his former friend held back due to some misplaced sentimentality, but Axel had no idea just how easy Isa had gone on him until that moment. If it weren’t their final battle, Axel would chide him for being so uncharacteristically reckless. (That was more his style, after all.) However, as it stood Axel barely had time to think, let alone _taunt_ the keyblade master.

Axel himself fought like a man possessed, which in a manner of speaking _he was_. None of Xehanort’s vessels expected to survive the day, and so Axel poured his entire nonexistence into a flurry of flames that climbed the cliffs that surrounded them and scorched the sand beneath their feet into glass. Isa’s blue flames twined with Axel’s as he effortlessly knocked the assassin’s chakrams away. For all their desperation, the pair were well-matched and likely could have fought for hours without either ever giving in.

But nothing could have prepared Axel for the sudden blinding flash of light that separated them. He leapt back on instinct, and as the dust settled two small figures appeared.

“ _Roxas…_ ” Memories assaulted him, and with a gasp Axel _remembered_ her. “ _Xion._ ” His friends. How they returned, Axel had no idea, but he felt his will to keep fighting falter. He promised to meet them in _the next life,_ not this one.

“Axel.” Xion said his name like a plea. If it could, Axel’s heart would have broken to see tears in her eyes. “Don’t do this.”

Deep inside, _he_ stirred, compelling Axel to fight. Axel felt his body being wrested from his control. He threw one chakram at Xion, and rapidly closed the distance to strike her down with the other. But the spikes caught in a familiar white keyblade, and he barely had time to block a second, black keyblade that was aiming for his weak right side. Another flare of blue fire pressed Axel back into a defensive stance.

Axel grimaced at the all-too-familiar look of betrayal Roxas gave him. “You don’t have to do this!” the blonde wielder shouted. “Axel, you can stop now!”

“We don’t want to fight you,” Xion added. But it was too late. There was no one who could save him. Axel called on the flames, chakrams circling wildly as he started to burn from the inside out. Against three keyblade wielders, there was no hope he’d defeat them. Axel didn’t want to hurt any of them— _they were his best friends_ —but he had no other choice. Over the roaring inferno, he weakly called out, “I’m sorry.” Pulling his arms tight to his chest, Axel was about to unleash an explosive wave that would consume them all when over the din he heard, “— _call on the moon’s pale light_.”

Axel never stood a chance.

It was the perfect ending. Unlike the first time Axel had faded into nothingness, this time Axel died cradled in Isa’s arms as Roxas and Xion looked on. There were tears, but Axel was at peace with the knowledge that his friends would be safe. He couldn’t hurt them anymore.

_See you, Isa._

_See you, Lea._

**iii.**

The first thing Lea _truly felt_ in more than ten years was _cold_. He couldn’t move at first, almost as if his body were frozen. It was a struggle to open his eyes, but he managed. His vision was blurred, not that it mattered much; Lea didn’t recognize the room he had woken in.

One of the blurs moved, and Lea’s sluggish mind registered _blue_ before heat, searing and bright, encased his hand. It should have burned, but in his delirium Lea only craved more. Like the rest of his useless, frigid form, his ears couldn’t comprehend the few sounds he could hear. A low voice murmured, then two others responded, higher in pitch but varied in tone. Lea recognized the voices—he _knew_ he did—but he was so tired. And cold. His eyes closed, and Lea slept.

The pattern repeated itself for an indeterminate period of time, however with each cycle Lea woke a little bit more. The second time Lea roused he was able to make out one of the voices. It said his name and bid him, “go back to sleep. You’re safe.” The third time, Lea remembered who the voice belonged to. Isa was holding his hand, and it felt _so warm…_

The fourth time Lea felt the warmth and weight of two small bodies lying on either side of him. His eyes still refused to focus, but Lea could nonetheless make out black hair and blonde, with the latter having thrown his arm across Lea’s chest. _Roxas. Xion._ Lea felt like he was forgetting something, but before he could remember what it was he fell back to sleep.

His memories returned as dreams—or rather _nightmares_ —between the fourth and fifth waking. He remembered everything: the keyblade graveyard, the clash of metal, the pain of death. Roxas and Xion, inexplicably returned. His own supernova eclipsed by Isa’s moon-fueled rage. And before it all, Lea remembered the clock tower. He remembered the taste of Isa’s lips. Shivering, by the fifth time Lea regretted that he had ever woken up.

“We’re in the Mysterious Tower,” Isa explained the sixth time Lea regained consciousness. His eyes worked a little better by then, and Lea could see that Isa was smiling softly as he held his hand. Lea had no idea _why_ though. “You reformed in Radiant Garden. Ienzo and Aeleus found you, but…” Isa trailed off, smile waning. Lea wanted to reassure him, but his voice remained frozen. Whatever it was passed soon enough, and Isa continued. “Your condition was too unstable, so you were brought here to recover. Master Yen Sid is a powerful mage, and together with some other magic users you’ve made remarkable progress. Soon it will be like nothing happened at all.”

Lea wanted to ask, _but then why do I feel so cold?_ He settled for weakly gripping Isa’s hand instead. With tears in his eyes, Isa brushed a lock of hair off Lea’s forehead. “I’ve missed your eyes. They’re green again, just like before.” Isa replaced his fingers with lips. “Exactly as I remembered.” The heat from his kiss lingered.

The seventh time, Lea found his voice. He found his grief, too. Isa discovered Lea curled into a ball in the middle of bed crying hysterically. The keyblade master froze for a moment before crawling into bed and drawing Lea’s shaking body into his strong arms.

“ _I’m s-sorry,_ ” Lea gasped. His voice was beyond hoarse, hardly audible, so Lea repeated, “ _I’m sorry. Please, I’m so, so—_ ”

“ _Shh,_ ” Isa hushed him, gently rocking Lea back-and-forth to ease his distress. “You’re here now. That is all that matters.” Lea nodded, his face pressed to Isa’s warm chest. His tears stained both Isa’s shirt and the yellow scarf that once belonged to him. Lea wept for some time, especially when he caught sight of Xion and Roxas in the doorway.

 _“Sorry, I-I’m so sorry,_ ” he cried, only to find himself embraced by two more sets of arms. Sniffles and sobs filled the room, wordless moments broken by the occasional stuttered apology from Lea. His friends, _his best friends_ , took turns shushing Lea as they cried together. Even Isa wept, his face buried into the mess of red hair at Lea’s crown.

It felt like hours passed before Lea calmed down. They all looked _terrible_ , splotchy cheeks and red eyes, but it was worth it just to be together again. Roxas pulled back first, awkwardly rubbing the back of his head in a move he’d undoubtedly picked up from Axel. Lea’s heart nearly burst when Roxas quipped, “Guess we should have brought some ice cream.”

Lea doubted he’d ever smiled so widely in _either_ of his lives.

Even as Lea grew stronger, exhaustion and cold continued to plague him. If Axel could, he would have taken at least six naps per day, but Lea actually _did_. At first, Lea figured the endless fatigue was a consequence of the past several months of his life. Xehanort hated to waste even a single moment, and so sleep became something of a luxury for the vessels. (It was not as if any of them were expected to survive the final battle, after all.) Recompletion had been tiring as well; Lea’s unconsciousness stretched on for weeks, far longer than any of the other former Nobodies.

Isa tried, but Roxas and Xion were more accomplished at dragging Lea out from the tepid warmth of his bed. Lea’s condition ruled out dark corridors, but the trio made do. There was a small terrace atop Yen Sid’s tower that offered a breathtaking view of the keyblade master’s world, and every evening Roxas and Xion brought Lea with them to watch the sunset. Isa would join them on occasion, although Lea noticed Isa seemed uncomfortable whenever he did. He wondered why that was.

Several weeks after he’d woken up, the four of them gathered to watch the stars. Roxas and Xion sat to Lea’s left on the raised railing, legs dangling off the edge as they pointed out new stars that had appeared since the last time they stargazed together. It seemed the keyblade wielders had been busy waking sleeping worlds. Isa forbid Lea from sitting beside them, worried that in his weakened state Lea could fall off the ledge. Lea’s protest was half-hearted at best, mostly because standing next to Isa meant he could lean against the other man and soak up his warmth.

Isa or no, Xion and Roxas still peppered Lea with questions. _What is “grounded?” Why can’t I say that? What’s a rimjob?_ (Lea was going to _destroy_ Sora and Kairi.) On that particular evening, the topic was school. Isa wanted Sora and Kairi to return to Destiny Islands to finish their educations before completing their Mark of Mastery. Meanwhile, Riku was eighteen and—in Isa’s estimation—ready to take the exam; Isa left it up to him if he wanted to finish school, much to his other apprentices’ chagrin. Roxas and Xion, neither Isa’s students nor _technically-speaking_ human, also got to decide if they wanted to attend school or let Ienzo privately tutor them.

“I don’t think I want to go,” Roxas said, mouth full of sea salt ice cream. Lea’s own mouth was watering, but experience had taught him that perpetual cold _plus_ ice cream _equaled_ uncontrollable shivering that lasted for hours. For now, he was stuck living vicariously through the kids.

“Me neither,” Xion added. “Kairi says it’s fun and you can make lots of friends, but Sora was telling us that you have to spend all day inside writing on pieces of paper.” She frowned. “Why do you have to write on pieces of paper?”

Lea chuckled. “I think Sora means _homework_ , kiddo. When you go to school, teachers, uh, _teach_ you things. After you go home, you answer questions or write essays about what you learned to show them that you understood it.”

“But if you’re inside all day, how do you make any friends?” Roxas asked. Lea snuck a look at Isa, who was lightly smiling. By fifteen, they’d found some pretty _creative_ spots to hide out for a bit during especially boring classes. Their trysts had Lea failing chemistry when it… Lea shook himself before he let _that_ train of thought continue.

“Well, there’s lunch and in-between classes. You can also pass notes to your friends when you’re in class, but—” he winked at Xion, who giggled in response, “if you get caught the teacher will make you read it out loud to the entire class.”

Roxas scoffed. “We’re keyblade wielders! We’d never get caught!” His bravado had all of them laughing. Sea salt ice cream notwithstanding, it felt good. Just like old times.

“Did _you_ ever get caught, Axel?” Xion asked. Against him, Lea felt Isa tense. He cast a curious glance over to the other man, but beyond a small frown he seemed okay. _Huh, wonder what that’s all about..._

“Are you kidding?” he laughed, reaching across Roxas to lightly shove Xion. “I got caught loads of times!”

“Ask _Lea_ about the note he was caught passing to me on Valentine’s Day when we were thirteen.” Isa’s turquoise eyes were sparkling with mischief, however Lea noticed the odd emphasis he’d given his name. “As I recall, you rewrote ‘roses are red’ using our hair color—”

Isa, _that traitor_ , was cut off by Lea’s hand slapping over his mouth. Lea’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment. That morning was the single-most horrifying of his life until… _Don’t go there._ He’d been too scared to ask Isa out, so instead he wrote a corny little poem that ended with ‘can I go on a date with you?’ and included two checkboxes, ‘yes’ and ‘maybe.’ (Lea had wanted to remain optimistic.)

Xion and Roxas, _those traitors_ , were both laughing at him. Lea grumbled, “Whatever. It got you to say ‘yes,’ right?” Bless him, Isa had said _yes_ in front of the entire class. They held hands after school and Isa let Lea buy him ice cream and kiss him goodnight. It was a good memory, and Lea felt himself lean further into Isa.

Roxas yanked Lea’s hand off Isa’s mouth. “Nu-uh, you have to tell us! Saïx, what did it say?”

 _Wait, what?_ “Saïx?” Lea asked. “Who’s Saïx?” Three pairs of eyes widened tellingly, but before he could press them further Isa slipped his hand into Lea’s.

“It’s a long story,” he murmured, rubbing his thumb along Lea’s knuckles. “We need to get you back inside. You’re shivering again.” Perturbed, Lea had to admit that Isa was right. With his internal heater broken, Lea was cold no matter how many layers he piled on. The four of them trudged back into the tower and said their goodbyes, however Isa followed Lea back to his room.

Unthinking, Lea began changing into his pajamas. Isa’s eyes widened briefly before skittering away; belatedly, Lea felt ashamed of his ragged torso.

Isa cleared his throat. “They still call you Axel. Why is that?”

“I suppose that’s because it’s my name,” Lea said, shrugging. “Guess they got it memorized.”

Unnerving quiet. Isa refused to meet his gaze and, even though he’d hastily covered himself, Lea still felt uncomfortably exposed. Scowling at nothing, Isa replied, “That’s not your name, nor is it who you are.” Lea saw Isa’s fists clench and, unconsciously, he tensed in response. Complete or no, he’d learned to be wary of the keyblade master. Isa’s eyes slipped shut as he took a deep calming breath. “I’d rather they call you by your true name.”

Without his flames, Lea felt vulnerable. He knew Isa would not hurt him, and yet… Isa had _destroyed_ Axel. Twice. And Axel _was_ Lea, but Isa couldn’t understand that any more than Lea had the ability to explain it to him. Lea sighed. “If it makes you happy—”

“ _No._ ” Lea suddenly found his hands caught in a tight grip, Isa’s eyes practically boring into his soul _._ “It is not for me. I need you to understand that you are not _him_.” Lea tried not to shudder at Isa’s tone. Why couldn’t he realize that _Lea_ was _Axel_ was _Lea_? Isa shook his head, then added, “You are not what Axel was reduced to. Roxas and Xion deserve to know the real you.”

 _Who exactly do you think that is,_ Lea wondered. He wanted to listen, but Isa’s refusal to accept that Axel defined Lea rankled. “They were friends with Axel, Isa,” he said. “They’ve already lost so much, do you really think it’ll help to tell them their friend is dead? That they played a part in his death?”

“Put it this way,” Isa replied, voice low and angry. “Which would you rather they have: some make-believe friendship with a Nobody, or a real one with a Somebody?” Lea sighed, unable to hold Isa’s gaze any longer. _It wasn’t like that,_ he wanted to protest, but honestly what could he say? Taking his silence for acquiescence, Isa softened his tone and loosened his grip. “Things are finally right again, Lea. It’s better this way, don’t you think?”

Lea sighed once more, then nodded. “I’m tired, Isa.” Exhaustion weighed him down, and he shivered at the cold that seemed to emanate from his core.

Isa smiled tightly. “Of course.” He squeezed Lea’s hands once more before letting the touch fall away. Despite the bruising grip, Lea lamented the loss of Isa’s warmth. He shook harder, uncontrollably. Isa looked at Lea with obvious concern. “You’re cold,” he observed. Lea’s teeth were chattering, _of course_ he was cold. “I will ask one of the fairies for an enchanted blanket. Get into bed, I will return shortly.” With that, Isa left Lea’s bedroom.

As he waited for Isa to come back, Lea thought about what he had said. Axel had been _so angry_ at Isa—angrier than what a Nobody should be capable of—that he sometimes forgot that Isa had been angry, too. The keyblade master had always refused to call Lea by his Organization name. Maybe Isa was right. After all, it had been Axel who betrayed Isa by allowing Xemnas to convince him that his best friend abandoned him. No matter how terrible Axel was, Isa always returned for him. Was returning for him that very moment _._ Looking outside, Lea saw himself reflected in his bedroom window. Green eyes, unblemished cheeks. Axel was dead and gone. He needed to be _Lea_ now.

**iv.**

After his and Isa’s argument, Lea doubled his efforts to be _Lea_ —whoever _that_ was. He tried so hard to be cheerful and carefree. He plastered a grin on his face and pretended to enjoy teasing Isa’s apprentices. He acted as though Riku’s calculating stares and lingering distrust didn’t bother him, and lied when Ienzo called to ask if his physical symptoms had abated. He spent hours upon hours with Roxas and Xion on the terrace and hoped that his laughter did not sound as hollow as it felt. At night, he smiled at Isa over food the older man cooked for them before collapsing into bed and wondering _how much longer can I do this?_

Living amidst the heroes of light, it was inevitable that the past would come up now and again. Lea did his best to follow Isa’s example, to pretend as though Axel had been someone else. Lea spoke of the past ten years in the third-person: _Axel hated Atlantica. Axel once passed out drunk in a dark corridor. Demyx tried to teach Axel sitar, and he was only marginally better at_ that _than he was at poker._ Lea didn’t miss the odd looks Sora and Riku gave him when he talked like that, but he ignored them like he’d ignored the hurt in Roxas and Xion’s eyes after he told them to call him “Lea” from now on, _got it memorized?_ Lea felt like he had lost an important part of himself, an icy chasm left in the place _Axel_ used to be.

Without Isa, Lea doubted he’d ever find the strength to leave the relative warmth and safety of his bedroom. Kairi and Sora were still technically his pupils, however Lea got the feeling he’d become Isa’s newest project. Isa added Lea’s name to the weekly schedule he kept for all the residents at the Mysterious Tower, save Yen Sid. Meals, recreation, socializing, and light exercising were all arranged and set to a series of alarms on his new gummiphone. On his good days, Lea was glad that Isa was just as uptight as ever. He’d done much the same when they’d been young, drawing up monthly calendars color-coded with school assignments, social events, and even the occasional “date night” shaded with blues and reds. It warmed Lea’s heart that Isa still cared enough to do this for him.

He’d begun sparring again, albeit without weapons. Lea was no keyblade wielder, and Yen Sid had warned him against summoning his chakrams. _Those weapons come from the darkness_ , Isa’s master had said, _and are too great a risk for a heart newly formed._ Lea’s hand-to-hand was rusty, but better than any of the keyblade wielders, Isa included. Lea was almost as quick and agile now as _Axel_ had been, and he had to admit it felt good to be useful. (Especially whenever he pinned one of them. _Take that, Riku._ ) Even Aqua and Terra had asked Lea to show them some moves, just in case.

“You feel that?” he asked Sora, pressing the heel of his hand into the fleshy bit just above his armpit. A gaggle of half-pints and three haggard masters stood in a half-circle around them. Lea had requested that no one stand behind him; _Axel_ had learned the messy way what happened when you left your back exposed.

Sora grimaced, and Lea ignored the blink-and-you-miss-it flashes of concern and distrust Kairi, Riku, and Isa sported. “Y-yeah,” the kid replied. “It kinda tingles? All the way down my arm.”

Lea nodded and released him. “That’s your brachial plexus,” he explained, locating the same spot on his body. He flinched at his own icy fingers, but kept on. “Or to be less technical, the human disarming button. Get hit here, and best case scenario you lose feeling in your arm. Worst case, you end up with nerve damage and paralysis.” Lea chuckled. “Axel broke a collarbone or two because he took a hit there.” Another wave of odd looks to ignore, including an impressive frown from Roxas.

“Go ahead and feel for it on yourselves,” Lea instructed. “Trust me, you’ll know when you find it. Find it, but _don’t_ squeeze or press down,” he said, purposeful glance at Roxas. The blonde shrugged, but at least he stopped frowning like Lea had insulted him. “Once you get it, I’ll show you a few ways to block an elbow, fist, or knee there.”

“Wait, didn’t you _just_ tell us someone broke your collarbone hitting it?” Sora asked, suspicious.

Lea sighed. “ _Axel_ did, which is why he learned how to block a strike there. That shit hurts,” he said. Isa’s brow furrowed, and Lea wondered if he was annoyed by the casual swearing or the implication that Lea experienced what _Axel_ felt.

After another scalding shower, Lea found himself inexplicably drawn to his own reflection in the small bathroom adjoining his bedroom. After nearly three months’ bed rest, Lea had finally regained some definition. He’d never be nearly as ripped as Isa or Terra, but at least Lea no longer resembled a war victim. In fact, Lea looked healthy. Perfectly normal. It was his dull green eyes that betrayed Lea’s weariness.

Lea—no, _Axel_ never minded his gold eyes. Like the purple teardrops, they served as a reminder of his mission, _his purpose_. Without that, there was no tolerating the emptiness of being without a heart. Axel, like Lea, enjoyed being needed. Necessary. In a twisted sense, Axel was _proud_ to have been chosen for a vessel before almost all the others. Even with Xehanort pulling his strings like a deranged puppet master, Axel still felt like he was in control. Worst of all, it felt good. The impassioned anger Axel drew from Xehanort’s heart was like a narcotic, borrowed emotion addictive after so long with nothing except crushing hollowness.

Even _Axel_ , the nightmare he had become, had burned brightly. Lea felt diminished and deadened by comparison. Like he had lost all sense of purpose. Lea sighed. Without _Axel_ , he really had no idea who or what he was. Lea felt emptier than a Nobody.

Lea found Isa waiting for him in his bedroom. The blue-haired man looked tired; _at least we have that in common_ , Lea thought. He greeted Isa with a casual, “What’s up?”

“I wanted to see how you were feeling,” Isa replied. “You did well today. Sora’s daydreaming aside, you kept all their attention for hours. A remarkable feat.” Despite himself, Lea smiled. He’d never tire hearing Isa’s praise.

“Let’s just say I’ve had a lot of practice explaining things to teenagers,” Lea said. _Damn it_. He’d said that as if he were Axel. “I-I mean,” he hastily added, “ _Axel_ used to explain things to Roxas and Xion all the time.” Lea’s shoulders sunk. “I remember that, is all.”

Isa nervously toyed with the fraying edges of Lea’s old scarf as an uncomfortable silence settled over the room. Isa cleared his throat and wisely changed topics. “Ienzo said you told him that the physical side effects from your recompletion had passed. I… don’t want to be rude, but I noticed you were shivering earlier. Are you still experiencing chills?”

Lea smiled. _Classic Isa_. His mercurial best friend saw nothing wrong with forcing him into a prolonged identity crisis, but was afraid to come across as rude for calling out one little white lie? “Good catch. Figured if I told Ienzo I so much as stubbed my toe they’d be dragging me back for who knows what kinds of tests.” Lea _physically_ felt himself repress his memories of the ‘experiments’ Axel had been subjected to by Vexen and Zexion. _Guess this whole ‘split personality’ thing has its perks after all._

“I see. Well, I didn’t press the matter.” A pause, then, “What are your thoughts on meditation?”

 _Huh?_ Lea didn’t see _that_ coming. “Um, I don’t have any?”

Isa snickered, clearly amused by Lea’s less-than-articulate response. “I’ve spoken with Master Yen Sid. He believes your chills are a symptom of magic withdrawal. Axel relied heavily on fire magic for all his attacks, so it follows that your body acclimated accordingly.”

“Makes sense,” Lea admitted. As if on cue, another spell of shivering set in. Isa noticed at once, and he guided Lea toward the bed, draping one of the ever-present enchanted blankets over his shoulders. “Thanks,” Lea grit out, hating how weak he felt.

“Of course,” Isa replied. He sat on a chair next to Lea and let his hand rest on the redhead’s thigh. Heat radiated from the small point of contact, relaxing Lea far more than the blanket ever could. “It is possible you could recover without rekindling that magic, but we thought the easiest and surest cure would be to reclaim it. Meditation can assist you in that.” Isa’s brows furrowed, and his grip on Lea’s thigh tightened. “This is your choice, Lea. I don’t want you to feel pressured to do anything that you are not comfortable with.”

Lea snorted, causing Isa to frown even harder. _Not like I’m making many of my own choices these days,_ Lea thought, the deep-seated bitterness feeling very much like _Axel_. But as soon as he registered the emotion it passed, and Lea exhaled. Worrying Isa wouldn’t accomplish anything more than arguing with him did. And to be honest, Lea missed the warmth of his eternal flames.

“It’s alright, Isa,” he said, trying to sound as reassuring as he could. Isa looked skeptical, but at least he did not pull his hand away. “I want to try. What do you need me to do?”

Isa looked taken aback. “You want to get started now?”

“No time like the present, right?” Lea smiled at Isa, and miraculously the gesture felt more natural than usual. “I’m tired of feeling so cold all the time. Besides, it’s been awhile since I let you teach me anything. Hope you’re not too rusty.” Isa blushed, and Lea was reminded of the last time he saw that pretty pink on Isa’s cheeks. The kiss they shared on the clock tower had left Axel _burning_ ; what Lea wouldn’t give to feel that _passion_ again.

Lea’s bed wasn’t large, and both he and Isa were full-grown, taller-than-average men, but like most things _Lea-and-Isa_ they made it work. Isa instructed Lea to cross his legs before doing the same. Their knees touched. “It helps to ground yourself,” Isa explained. “Relax. Put your hands wherever feels the most comfortable.” Lea nodded, setting his hands palm-down on his knees. Isa folded his hands in front of his chest. Lea swallowed and quickly glanced away. Isa had a _very_ nice chest.

If Isa noticed Lea checking him out, he didn’t say anything. Lea was thankful. He didn’t think either of them were ready for _that_ , yet. Isa directed Lea to close his eyes, and Lea understood what he had meant by _grounding_ ; he was hyper-aware of the twin points where their bodies touched.

“Concentrate on breathing,” Isa said, voice low and calm. “In through the nose, and out through the mouth. Focus on breathing. In. Out.” Lea felt himself fall into a natural rhythm as Isa guided him through a dozen or so deep breaths. Isa had a good voice for this sort of thing. “Relax. Focus your awareness on your breaths. If your mind wanders, let the thought go. Think about breathing.”

Easier said than done, but Lea managed. _In. Out._ Minutes passed. Unconsciously, Lea felt his attention drawing inward. The vivid sense of touching Isa faded as Lea experienced a soft falling sensation.

“Concentrate on your heart. Feel it beat. Find its light inside you.”

 _What... light?_ The gentle falling feeling suddenly gave way to uncontrolled plummeting. Lea’s breath hitched as he fell into a deep and vast chasm. Icy tendrils gripped him and his whole body tensed.

“Lea? What’s— Focus on your breath. In. And out. Lea, you have to breathe. _Lea…_ ”

Isa’s voice faded as Lea crashed onto a hard, flat surface. Lea was aware of fingers gripping his knees tightly, but bony flesh gave way to thick and jagged glass which cut into his palms. In his mind’s eye, Lea found himself on a strange sort of dias. Weak light shone beneath his feet, and the cold stabbed him like a thousand knives. The ground— _stained glass?_ —he stood on was uneven, and with a start Lea realized that was because it had shattered like a broken mirror.

 _Wake up, Lea! Please!_ A voice? Lea couldn’t move if he wanted, frozen in place as he took in the twisted sight before him. The dim light and broken glass made it difficult to tell, but he could just make out his own likeness etched below. Lea ( _Axel?_ ) wore his Organization coat and was grasping one of his chakrams. Black scorch marks, concentrated on his chest and his entire right side, completed the macabre scene. Lea felt his heart ( _is this my heart?_ ) skip a beat as he noticed the visage’s eyes were closed. He was either sleeping or… His heart skipped again and Lea heard an ominous _crack_ as the cold deepened and— _Thundara!_

Electricity shot through Lea, tearing him out of himself. His chest heaved as he struggled to breathe, Isa’s hands clutching his face so that Lea was forced to look up. Isa looked _terrified._

“I’m sorry, you stopped breathing and I could think of no other way to wake you,” Isa said, words coming in an uncharacteristic rush. The small non-petrified part of Lea’s brain realized that Isa had hit him with a mid-level spell. However, most of him still felt trapped there, in the cold-dark- _dead_ wasteland inside. Sobbing, Lea collapsed into Isa’s arms.

He hadn’t cried so hard since he apologized to Isa, Roxas, and Xion. Lea was in hysterics, fingers digging deep into Isa’s shoulders as he shook so hard he felt like he was coming apart. That moment had ended well enough, but this time Lea felt nothing but _pain_ as his heart broke even more. He barely registered the press of Isa’s lips to his tear-stained cheeks, his calming reassurances, even the warmth of his embrace.

“I-it was dark… and c-cold. S-s-so cold. Isa…” Lea could hardly speak, but he _had_ to tell Isa. He _needed_ Isa to reassure him, to tell him that he wasn’t _broken_. “H-he, I mean me? Looked _mmnn,_ it looked _dead_. Is that what my… _h-heart_ looks like?”

“No, Lea. _No._ ” Isa pressed their foreheads together. “Your heart is strong. _So strong_. It only needs to heal.”

“B-but—”

Warm lips on his. Salty, the taste of tears. Isa whispered, “It will be okay, Lea. I promise, it’s going to be okay.”

Isa held Lea until the tears stopped and the shaking became more manageable. He stayed the night, curled around Lea tightly—as if he was afraid Lea would disappear. Again. Eventually, Isa nodded off. But Lea could not sleep, visions of blown out glass and scorch marks appearing whenever he closed his eyes. Alone (yet not) in the claustrophobic darkness of his bedroom, Lea thought, _I shouldn’t have come back._


	2. flicker

**v.**

It had been another bad day, and Lea tried not to think about how many more _bad days_ there were than _good days_ anymore. The trouble started when Kairi caught him holding his fingers over a lit candle. He knew better than to try old Organization tricks out in the open where anyone could see him, but Lea was starting to feel desperate.

Weeks had passed since Isa had attempted to guide him to what the keyblade master called his _station of heart_ to disastrous results. Lea still had nightmares about that cold, desolate, and broken place inside him, nightmares that precipitated his bad days. Isa stayed with him every night, holding and calming Lea when he woke screaming. Mornings were set aside for meditation, and so far Lea hadn’t fallen into _that place_ again. But he also couldn’t find the light Isa promised him was there. Dread suffused Lea—he couldn’t even conjure the tiniest flame. He was beginning to doubt his heart would ever heal.

Lea knew Isa was shirking his responsibilities as a keyblade master to spend so much time with him. It worried him. What if he never made any progress? How long until Isa wrote Lea off as a lost cause? He couldn’t bear to see Isa disappointed any more than he could handle Roxas’s look of betrayal, so when Lea caught sight of a candelabra in the main hall he just… went for it. Of course, all that came of his impulsive actions were burned fingers and shame. Bad enough that Kairi already saw Lea as her kidnapper; who knew what she thought of him after _that_ little display.

Lea spent the rest of the day hiding in his ( _their_ ) bedroom. When Xion dropped by, he feigned sleeping so that he wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. How could he explain _this_ to her? Lea felt like a freak, like some Frankenstein’s monster loosely stitched together and falling apart. Worse, he felt like a failure. He was doomed to fail and fail and _fail_ endlessly until even Isa got tired of him.

As the sun set, Lea watched dispassionately as long shadows like dark tendrils formed and crept ever closer towards him. He laid with his back to the door, uncaring that the position left him fully exposed. _What does it matter?_ he thought scathingly. Footsteps—heavier than Xion’s—sounded behind him. The bedsprings creaked as Isa sat behind him.

“I know you’re awake.” Lea said nothing, and Isa sighed. “Kairi told me what happened. Would you like to talk about it?”

“No.”

Another sigh. “Please don’t be difficult.” Lea rolled over so he could properly glare at Isa. He thought _Lea_ was the one being difficult? “Lea, what were you trying to do?”

Clearly, Isa wasn’t going to let it drop. Fine. “All that meditation, find-your-center stuff? It’s just not gonna work, Isa. So I figured I’d go the tried-and-true route. That didn’t work either.” Isa’s worried look only irritated Lea further. “I’m not going to try it again. It’s fine.”

“It’s not _fine_ ,” Isa countered. Lea could tell he was trying Isa’s patience, but he was too tired to care. “Do you hear yourself? You won’t relearn fire magic by burning yourself.”

“Shows what _you_ know.” He sat up. “That’s how it was in the Organization. Vexen figured out I had a natural resistance to fire, and Zexion guessed I might be good at fire spells. Someone lit a massive brush fire, and Xigbar dropped me in the middle of it.” Lea knew his grim smile was _all_ Axel. “It was instinct. I kept the flames at bay, and nothing burned me.”

“For— That was not you. Or do you expect us to force you to walk through a burning forest?” This biting back-and-forth, him trying to wear down the blue-haired man with painful reminders, felt too much like the old life. Lea knew he needed to stop, calm down, and _talk_ to Isa, but he was so, so tired.

Instead, Lea shrugged. “Why not? Might work.”

“Because—” Isa abruptly cut himself off. He wouldn’t look at Lea, but he seemed… not mad. Guilty?

Lea felt tense all over. He stood and put his back to the wall, crossing his arms in a familiar pose. Isa was hiding something, he _knew_ it. “If there’s something going on, just be straight with me for once, will ya?”

Isa met Lea’s gaze. “Meditation alone will not rekindle your fire. Like any elemental magic, you also need a conduit to channel your powers.”

As a (former) elemental spellcaster, Lea knew what Isa was saying. Gifted as he had been, even Axel needed his chakrams to manifest the flames. “Only one problem,” Lea replied contemptuously. “Yen Sid says I can’t summon my chakrams anymore.”

“Yes. Those weapons came from the darkness. It would destroy you to wield them now.” Isa stood; Lea had a sinking feeling he wasn’t going to like what the other man was about to say. “But there are other, more suitable options available.”

Isa had blindsided him. _No… he can’t possibly be suggesting that I…_ Sensing Lea’s disbelief and shock, Isa took a tentative step forward, hands up in a placating gesture. “You have a strong heart, Lea. It was pure chance that I summoned the keyblade. It could have, it _should_ have been you.”

Ice in his veins. The pit of his stomach. _His heart._ “You’re wrong,” he whispered, willing Isa to take his words back.

Isa shook his head, taking another step closer. “I’m not. Just, consider it. Losing your heart produced a Nobody. Twice. You were recompleted despite being taken by Xehanort’s darkness. No other vessel, save Terra, has returned.” The implication that Terra was a _keyblade wielder_ , now _master_ , weighed heavily on the air.

“Stop it, Isa,” Lea begged, voice cracking. “Just stop.” Lea couldn’t. _He couldn’t_ , and if ( _when_ ) he failed Isa would abandon him ( _again_ ). _You’ve always been weak_. Even his thoughts felt like _Axel_.

Another step. Isa was just an arms’ span from him. Lea felt cornered. “If you can learn to wield it, then you can use it to control the flames again.” Isa’s voice wavered. He sounded desperate. “We’ll be on the same side again.”

“I thought I already was!” Lea shouted. Thoughts spinning out of control, Lea clutched his head, hair pulling painfully as it tangled in his fingers. _Him? Wield a keyblade?_ Either Lea was going insane, or Isa was. Maybe both. “Isa, I _can’t_. I’ve spent almost half my life in the darkness. I’ve broken worlds, I’ve tortured people, I—” He sobbed. “I killed people, Isa. I’m a _murderer_.”

“Lea, I need you to listen to me. I know you. _He_ was cruel and manipulative. _He_ caused others pain and did not care.” Lea felt like his heart was being torn out all over again. Isa took Lea’s arms in a firm grip that bordered on painful. “You are kind, selfless, and caring. You have so much potential.” A pause, then quieter: “That Nobody should never have existed.”

Cold rage filled Lea. Isa had never been a Nobody. He didn’t understand. Isa may well have said _Lea_ should never have existed. It was _Axel_ who met Roxas and Xion. His best friends _._ It was _Axel_ who freed Naminé from Marluxia’s clutches. It was _Axel_ who fought to utterly remake existence in the hopes that it would bring his friends back. Isa wanted to ignore the few good things Axel had ever done out of misplaced nostalgia for a person Lea hadn’t been in a decade, if ever. Isa wanted to believe that Lea was perfect and innocent, and Lea was _sick of it._

“Axel _was_ me, Isa!” Lea yelled, dislodging the other man as he threw his arms up in exasperation. “Even without my heart, I still had my memories. I remembered what it was like to feel, and to be honest? I can’t tell the difference between feeling something and just remembering it.”

Isa reared back as if Lea had struck him. “You… don’t know what you’re saying,” he said, sounding as though he were trying to convince himself. “You are frustrated, and it is causing you to lash out. You don’t mean that.”

“Why won’t you listen!?” Lea cried out. It might have been his imagination, but Lea’s teeth felt too sharp, the world around him descending into a golden haze. He felt like _Axel_.

“You had your perfect little script. Lock me up in a tower, and you get to play the hero who rescues me. Am I right?” As Lea spoke, he noticed wisps of darkness starting to form around Isa, whose eyes had taken on an unnatural shine. If Lea had any sense whatsoever he’d stop before pushing Isa deeper into his rage, but as it was Lea was too upset to care. He had to make Isa _understand_. “But you forgot who I am, Isa. I’m the _bad guy_.”

He wasn’t thinking. Lea only _felt_. In a practiced gesture, Lea’s right arm reached out. Energy seared through his bones, coalescing into a whirling cacophony of _dark_. It felt so familiar, like an old friend. Distantly, Lea registered a deep ache like poison settling in. But it was _so close_ , he could almost _take it_ —fingers curling around crossbars _just so_ when he was suddenly struck at the join of arm and chest. Pins and needles deadened his arm, which dropped uselessly to his side. Lea barely registered the seething miasma of darkness that Isa had become before he found himself violently pinned with his back to the wall, red-and-blue keyblade at his throat.

He’d forgotten about that little… _quirk_ of Isa’s.

Chest full of sharp, stabbing pain, Lea closed his eyes and waited for it to just _stop_. This was it, he’d pushed Isa past his limit. Lea’d proven it; he couldn’t be saved. However, the moment passed, and Lea still… _was_. He opened his eyes to find Isa, quaking with rage but having regained his physical form. “Do it,” Lea pleaded, teeth bared. “End it, Isa. I can’t do this anymore.”

The pressure against his throat abruptly disappeared, and Lea fell to the ground, gasping. Isa took several steps back, fists clenched tightly at his sides. “I suppose I was wrong,” the keyblade master sneered. “I guess you do run from your problems after all.” He turned and stormed out of the room, not bothering to shut the door behind him. Lea choked and heaved, prostrate on all fours. A thought occurred to him as Isa disappeared into the darkness: Isa had never left him _on purpose_ before. Cold tears streamed down Lea’s cheeks.

_First time for everything._

**vi.**

The sun had set hours ago, but Lea neither slept nor turned on any lights. Wallowing in the darkness felt appropriate, all things considered. For the first time since he’d been recompleted ( _again_ ), Lea bemoaned the heart in his chest. He felt _too much_ , battered by one emotion after another: anger, sorrow, contempt, remorse… His heart _screamed_ with feeling.

Isa must be wrong. Lea hadn’t come back because his heart was strong. No, this was a punishment.

Lea’s breath hitched as he rolled onto his back, hands clasped loosely across his chest. Isa was wrong—Lea did want to heal and build a new life, but how? He couldn’t pretend the last decade never happened; for better or worse _Axel_ was _Lea_ and he had to live with that. But even if he did, what then? Isa believed Lea could summon his own keyblade, but Lea understood that for what it was. After all, Isa spent years trying to find and save Axel. If Lea had a keyblade, then they’d have a reason to stay together. Without it, Isa’s duties and Lea’s… _whatever_ would pull them apart. Lea didn’t belong anywhere anymore. It was like being a Nobody all over again.

A soft _knock_ on his still-open door startled Lea out of his thoughts. Silhouetted against the dim light of the hall stood Isa. He’d taken his hair down and changed into casual clothes, and looked as ragged as Lea felt. The redhead felt even guiltier. Unresolved issues aside, Lea _and_ Axel had hurt Isa enough already. “Hey.”

“Hey. May I…?”

“‘Course, let me—” Lea reached out to turn on his bedside lamp. Isa shut the door behind him. He paused awkwardly and, out of pity, Lea patted the nest of comforters that comprised his bed. “You can sit here, if you want.”

“Thank you.” Isa sat near the foot of the bed. He bent forward, elbows pressed into his thighs. “I hope I did not wake you?”

Lea shook his head. “No, I wasn’t sleeping. Just… thinking.” Rubbing the back of his head, Lea said, “Listen, I—”

“I’m sorry.” Lea’s jaw dropped. Isa looked down to where his hands were folded in his lap. “I’ve been selfish.”

“You... what?” Lea asked, shock settling over him. What could _Isa_ possibly be sorry for? Lea was the one who hurt him, who disappointed him, who called on the darkness because he couldn’t find the light no matter how hard he tried…

Isa sighed, looking up to meet Lea’s confused gaze. “What I said to you earlier, as well as my actions, were uncalled for. I accused you of running from your problems, when in fact I’ve been the one who has refused to confront my guilt.” Isa looked back down. “I wanted so badly to return to the way things were before that I’ve been denying myself the chance to see the person you have become.”

“I don’t understand.”

Isa exhaled slowly, as if he were gathering his thoughts. “For years, you were my guiding purpose. I sacrificed everything to become stronger so that I could save you. Naïvely, I believed once I had that you would be exactly as I remembered you. But when I found you, you were not the boy I had known. You had changed, and in the process left me in the dust.”

Lea crawled forward to place his hand on Isa’s shoulder. “I didn’t forget you. I thought _you_ forgot all about _me_. That’s why I…” he trailed off, shame filling him as he caught sight of Isa’s scar.

“I know.” Isa let his hand rest on Lea’s. “But… it infuriated me that you just moved on with your life, like the past meant nothing to you. I could not reconcile the _Lea_ I loved with—” Isa steadied himself. “—with _Axel._ ”

Lea gasped, and quietly said, “You’ve never said that name before.”

With a weak smile, Isa replied, “Well, it’s your name. Although,” he chuckled, “I much prefer ‘Lea.’” The soft flutter Lea’s heart made somewhat eased the lingering pain. He drew closer to Isa, laying his head atop their joined hands.

“Nothing could have prepared me for the pain I felt, watching as you faded into nothingness in my arms,” Isa said, voice thick with unshed tears. “Nor my elation when Ienzo told us you’d reformed. I am… unaccustomed to experiencing such strong emotions, and allowed them to cloud my judgment.”

Lea snorted. They may be different, both of them, but _some_ things would never change. “You? Being an emotionally-constipated asshole? Say it isn’t so!”

“I’m afraid so.” The pair laughed, and it felt _good_. Like _them_. “I convinced myself the key to your recovery was to deny Axel’s existence, but I recognize my mistake now. There is no future to be found in the past. You—Lea, Axel, whichever. You are what matters.” Isa kissed Lea’s crown, then whispered, “And I will always find the strength to protect what matters.”

Despite himself, Lea smirked. “That line’s not you.”

Isa scoffed. “Lea, I am an adult as well as a keyblade master. I am capable of working things out for myself.”

Nodding, Lea responded, “Right… It was Riku, then?”

A sigh. “…yes. It was Riku.” Isa turned to Lea, holding the redhead’s hands up to his chest. “While I regret _how_ it was conveyed, I meant what I said to you earlier. You have the strength of heart to wield a keyblade, but whether or not you choose that path is up to you, Lea. It was wrong of me to hide our intentions from you. I hope you will forgive me.”

“It’s okay, Isa. I forgive you, it’s just—” Lea shook his head. “I don’t see how you can even stand to _look_ at me after all the things I’ve done. What makes you think I could ever summon the keyblade?”

“Do you want to know all that I see in you?” Isa asked, releasing one of Lea’s hands so that he could cup his face. “Tenacity, passion, and adaptability. And yet, somehow you are the most single-minded person I’ve ever met. Your stubbornness is obnoxious.” Joyful tears filled Lea’s eyes. Isa was just as incapable of staying serious as Lea, not that he’d ever admit it.

“Your patience astounds me, especially around Roxas, Xion, and the others. How is it that I spent years struggling to become a master, but you make teaching look effortless?

“And you are beautiful. I could look at you for hours and never tire. I have never, and will never, desire someone as much as I want you.” Their eyes met, turquoise and green. Isa set his thumb on Lea’s bottom lip, rubbing softly. Longing—thick and heady—filled Lea. The way Isa spoke of him… that was _love_. They still had a long way to go, but in that moment Lea knew he was ready. They both were.

“I cannot help you if I don’t confront my guilt. It’s time I clear my conscience.” Isa held Lea’s face in both hands. They were so warm. “Let me take care of you,” Isa said, his warm breath ghosting across Lea’s face. Lea felt himself relax into Isa’s hold. His eyes slipped shut. Isa’s lips delicately brushed against his high cheekbone, right where Axel’s teardrop charm used to be. “ _Please_ , Lea. Let me take care of you?”

“ _Yes._ ”

Isa gently pressed Lea down onto the mattress. While Lea got that keyblade training had been kind to Isa, he didn’t realize how much bigger Isa had gotten until he found himself pinned under the other man’s comforting weight. Lea’s hands trembled as he ran them over Isa’s arms and back, feeling out the taut muscles. A shiver passed through him as Isa kissed his neck, tongue laving softly.

Isa tilted his head up for Lea to cradle, fingers splayed wide as he kissed the other man deeply. Meanwhile, Isa’s hands drifted down Lea’s torso to curl into the hem of his sweater. For once, Lea shivered for a reason other than the cold as Isa’s fingertips gently caressed his stomach. He gasped at the tickling sensation, and Isa took the opportunity to ask, “Can I see you?”

Lea bit his lip, and despite Isa’s hot gaze on him, he was nervous. Isa had seen him before and it… was not a pretty picture. “If you want,” he said, drawing in a steadying breath. He expected to feel cool air on his exposed skin, but instead Isa pressed his lips to Lea’s chastely.

“I want,” Isa said, “to know you again, and I want to take care of you. You’re so beautiful.” Another kiss, firmer, as if Isa’s control was slipping. “But I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

Lea kissed Isa again, then nodded. “Okay, Isa. I trust you.” Isa moaned as though Lea’s words had physically touched him. He pulled back only enough to draw Lea’s sweater over his head, mussing his hair fantastically.

“How I’ve waited to hear that,” Isa admitted, his long fingers brushing over Lea’s heaving chest, past his stomach to rest on the waistline of his pants. He teased Lea through the rough fabric, feeling his arousal through the layers. Isa’s eyes were dark with desire as Lea instinctively thrust his hips up into his grasp. “May I?”

“ _Please…_ ” After all, Lea wasn’t ashamed of anything down _there_. Isa made quick work of the fastenings, and together they stripped Lea of the rest of his clothing. Completely exposed, Lea’s skin erupted in goosebumps. He felt a stab of disappointment and frustration; how could he still be cold? But Isa, observant as ever, blanketed Lea, his larger form completely covering the younger man. Deft fingers traced the lines and dips of Lea’s exposed form as the redhead grasped a handful of Isa’s shirt and hair, dragging him back for another passionate kiss.

Lea’s oxygen-starved lungs complained, forcing him to break the kiss. Isa’s lips crooked into a satisfied smirk as he looked at Lea, panting, flushed, and aching beneath him. “You _are_ beautiful,” he said again, letting one hand rest between Lea’s legs.

“I-Isa,” Lea choked out as the blue-haired man palmed him. Gods, it had been _ages_ since he’d been touched. Isa’s hands, strong and calloused from years of keyblade training, were perfection. Lea cried out as Isa began to stroke him, touch soft to prevent chafing. He felt weak, barely able to move beyond the involuntary movement of his hips. Still, Lea wanted to make Isa feel just as good as he did. “What— what do you want? I can…”

Isa cut him off with his lips. “This is what I want,” he told Lea, twisting his wrist _just so_ and wringing another moan from the redhead. “I want to see you. I want to hold you as you fall apart. And then,” another kiss, tongues tangling sloppily as Lea tried to hold it together. “And then I want to do it all over again. Forever, if you’ll let me.” _Fuck, he’s going to kill me… again,_ Lea thought, chuckling softly at his own dark humor.

Isa continued to stroke him as he kissed his way down Lea’s thin chest. Each scar received special attention from the keyblade master. Lea cried out as Isa’s lips found the smooth white line placed directly over his pounding heart. Isa pulled back just enough to whisper into Lea’s skin, “I’m sorry I was not there when it happened. Please believe me, I wanted to be.” Another feather-light kiss. “I never wanted to leave you.”

Lea gasped, hips rolling up from the twin sensations of Isa’s lips and fingers. Guilt threatened to choke him. Axel had let Xemnas poison him with all manner of lies, but perhaps the most damning was how he convinced Axel that Isa had left him for dead. Xehanort used his pain and anguish to force his darkened essence into the deepest parts of him, and in his rage Axel never even noticed.

Burying his hands in blue locks, Lea breathed and let himself feel Isa there with him. “I’m glad you weren’t there,” he murmured. He meant it. Lea would suffer losing his heart a hundred times over, would wander alone in the darkness for eternity if only to spare Isa. “You brought me back.”

“Not soon enough,” Isa replied, lips trailing lower to far more ragged flesh. The sensation of lips, of _tongue_ , on his scarred skin had Lea gasping. Tears spilled down flushed cheeks as Lea squeezed his eyes closed, pleasure warring with pain in his mind. He could still feel the phantom edges of Isa’s keyblade buried deep in his side, practically cleaving him in two. Isa left Axel with just enough to summon a dark corridor out of the castle dungeons before he faded, alone and in agony, Betwixt and Between worlds.

Lea felt Isa’s apology on his tongue as roved over the long-healed wound and in the increased tempo with which Isa stroked him, his movements easing with the growing slickness as Lea drew closer to release. Still, it didn’t sit well with him that Isa felt he needed to shoulder the blame. “Didn’t make it easy for you,” he admitted, voice strained.

A low chuckle, then, “You never do.” The closer Lea got, the easier Isa’s movements became. Faster. Isa had reached the center of the massive scar, right along Lea’s right flank where the sharp teeth of the keyblade had cut the furthest. Isa mouthed him before pressing his lips to him to _suck_. Lea nearly screamed. How could Isa make him feel _so good?_ It was as if Isa were pulling the memory of the injury right out of him.

“I’m so close,” Lea warned. Isa _hmm’ed_ in response and before Lea could process it, ducked down to take him into the wet warmth of his mouth. “ _Isa!_ ” It was too much. Lea lost it at the sensation of Isa’s tongue on him. He came with a rush, his release filling Isa’s mouth and coating his lips when the other man pulled back. If Isa minded, he didn’t say anything. Sticky lips brushed against his scar one last time, pressing against its lowest point near Lea’s hip.

Together, they redressed Lea in warm pajamas. Lea asked Isa if he needed anything, but his lover shook his head. “I already have everything I could ever want.” Lea groaned in frustration. _Isa, you self-sacrificing bastard…_ Isa smirked in response to Lea’s pout. “Tomorrow morning, I promise. I want to take my time with you.”

“I’m holding you to that,” Lea acquiesced. He hated to admit it, but as his afterglow faded Lea felt the ever-present anxiety, stress, and chill seep back in. He knew healing would take time, but the task ahead was daunting. Isa wasn’t alone; Lea had more than enough guilt that needed addressing. Just… _not tonight._

Meeting Isa’s gaze, Lea lightly kissed the tips of his own fingers before gently brushing them across the center of the x-shaped scar he’d given Isa. He couldn’t say the words yet, but the action carried his message nonetheless: _I’m sorry_. Isa’s eyes went watery as he reached for Lea’s hand, kissing his knuckles just as softly. _It’s going to be okay. I promise._

**coda.**

Weeks passed, and slowly things got better. Lea bonded with Sora and Kairi over teasing Isa, thrilled that so many of his old tricks still worked. The pranks they pulled on him were _spectacular_. (Riku remained wary, but Lea figured you can’t win ‘em all.) He apologized to Ienzo and Even for causing their Nobody’s deaths, and promised to visit Radiant Garden once he was feeling more stable. _That_ particular conversation set off a spate of nightmares that lasted for days, but Isa stayed by his side and held him through the worst of it.

Roxas, Xion, and Lea wasted countless hours perched on their terrace, talking and laughing about the stupidest things. The kids let Lea sneak bites of their sea-salt ice cream, and the subsequent cold snaps were _absolutely_ worth it. Kairi and Xion convinced Roxas to try school despite the blonde’s obvious reservations. Later, Lea told Isa he suspected Roxas had a crush on Xion, and together they laughed over the adorable absurdity of teenage romance.

With the kids gone, Lea and Isa split their time between the Mysterious Tower and the Land of Departure. Aqua and Terra were slowly remaking their world into a respite for keyblade wielders and their allies. Lea was all-too happy to help erase whatever vestiges of Castle Oblivion remained. Plus, it was nice to mess around with Ventus, the only person left who’d known him as _Lea_ , but not _Axel_. More so than the tower, Lea felt like the Land of Departure was a place where he could heal.

Aqua had offered to let them stay, and Lea was tempted to take up her invitation. The _other_ blue-haired keyblade master was the first friend Lea made in his new life. Nearly summoning his chakrams had gravely darkened Lea’s fragile heart, although in the heat of the moment neither Lea nor Isa noticed. Yen Sid decided that Lea needed to learn how to control his darkness, and Aqua volunteered to train him, keyblade or no. After all, she too had spent ten years lost in the darkness. At first Isa was jealous—he still had difficulties trusting Lea to anyone other than Roxas and Xion—but even his taciturn lover had to admit it was a good match.

Isa and Lea still meditated together each morning. Horrific beginnings aside, Lea cherished those quiet moments spent with Isa. When Isa hesitantly asked if Lea wanted to attempt diving into his heart once again, Lea assured him that he was ready.

 _I trust you, Isa_ , he said. The keyblade master blushed so prettily. _I love you, you know?_

_And I, you._

The pair sat on their bed, back to chest. Lea synced his breaths to the rise and fall of Isa’s chest. He could feel his lover’s heartbeat, and Lea used its steady rhythm to ground himself.

“Concentrate on your heart. Feel it beat. Feel its light inside you.”

That gentle falling feeling. Uneven terrain. Little had changed, but Lea let his disappointment pass. Healing would take time, and he had that. Instead, Lea tried to feel the light that flickered weakly underneath him. _There._ Several of the cracks glowed orange, like embers. Perhaps it was all his imagination, but Lea felt the slow-building heat mending the broken edges of his heart. The coals concentrated where Lea’s sleeping visage grasped Axel’s chakram, the fractured panes reshaping into something similar, yet different. Lea tried to make out the new form when he felt Isa calling to him. Bringing him back, just like he promised.

“Do you feel it?” Isa asked him, and Lea nodded. It was faint, but he could feel… _something_. Eyes still closed, Lea felt Isa lift his right arm out in front of them. “See if you can grab onto it,” he whispered. Lea concentrated, his fingers closing on charged air. _Something_ , not quite there yet. In his minds’ eye, the cinders _flared_ , and Lea heard Isa gasp. “Lea. _Lea_ , open your eyes.”

Lea did. And there, dancing around his clenched fist—

_Sparks._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the delightful feedback so far! This has been SO cathartic to write. I’ve had a blast the past couple weeks rediscovering this old hobby of mine. I’m thrilled to know what y’all thought – kudos and comments are love!


End file.
